How to stopdeflection in a relationship

So you’ll find yourself trying to convince them that there is even an issue. You probably feel like no matter how you approach the subject, they won’t listen.

Examples ofdeflection in a relationship

Gaslighting is when someone makes you feel crazy or paranoid. They tell you that you’re imagining things, or that you’re making too much of them.

Being mindful of your language can encourage your partner to take part in the discussion, rather than shut it down through deflection.

The classic example is the partner that feels guilt over their own infidelity and deflects suspicion by projecting this onto their partner.

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This shows that they are incapable of taking responsibility for their actions. Instead, they are quick to deflect by pointing out every single thing you’ve ever done wrong.

You may notice that all the things your partner feels bad about or disapproves of about themselves are shifted onto you.

How to deal withdeflection in a relationship

They cheated because they were drunk. They haven’t been paying you attention because they’re busy with work. They were out all night partying because their friend needed cheering up.

That means, the less threatened the other person feels in a discussion, the less likely deflection is to rear its ugly head.

Research into conflict management found it’s useful to create a safe feeling environment when we are disputing things with someone.

Protect yourself from this type of deflection so that both of you remain accountable for healthy communication within the relationship.

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Perhaps they will occasionally reluctantly offer a halfhearted apology if it’s demanded of them, but you know it’s not sincere.

If you notice that you keep getting into arguments over the same things time after time, it could be that you’re dealing with someone who uses deflection in a relationship.

Playing the victim is a harmful manipulation tactic far too often used in relationships. It can make you feel like no matter what, it’s always your fault.

Deflectionpsychology

As Rudá explains in this mind-blowing free video, many of us chase love in a toxic way because we’re not taught how to love ourselves first.

When people use deflection, they may appear to be open and honest at first, but then they start to make excuses or blame others for things that have happened. They’ll say something like: “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Or “It wasn’t my fault.”

When you’re dealing with a partner who deflects, it’s easy to become frustrated and even feel helpless. You may even be tempted to throw in the towel and give up on love.

So, if you want to solve issues in your relationship, I’d recommend starting with yourself first and taking Rudá’s incredible advice.

If you try to make them see when they are wrong, they retaliate and find something you have done wrong to throw back in your face.

For example, if your partner is insecure about the way they look or has body issues, rather than deal with them, they criticize your weight or looks to try to make themselves feel better.

They accuse their other half of being unfaithful. They always think that their partner is up to no good. They are insecure.

Especially when they are unable to see clearly, it’s even more important that you make sure things don’t escalate by keeping your head.

Deflection happens when someone tries to avoid responsibility for their actions and feelings by placing the blame on someone else. In this case, they’re trying to shift the blame away from themselves. It’s often used as a way of avoiding confrontation or conflict.

Deflection in a relationshippsychology

You may get the impression that even though they are saying nice things, they’re just saying what they think you want to hear.

It could be anything. But instead of looking closer to home, they prefer to blame the circumstances for the situation they find themselves in.

You can often find yourself repeating the same points over and over again if you don’t give your partner time to process.

Because they have the tools and experience to help you break through these patterns of deflection. They can also help you communicate in a way that won’t add fuel to the fire, but instead repair your relationship.

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Pearl Nash has years of experience writing relationship articles for single females looking for love. After being single for years with no hope of meeting Mr. Right, she finally managed to get married to the love of her life. Now that she’s settled down and happier than she’s ever been in her life, she's passionate about sharing all the wisdom she's learned over the journey. Pearl is also an accredited astrologer and publishes Hack Spirit's daily horoscope.

Be sure to hold your hands up to your mistakes, say sorry when your partner is owed an apology, and be prepared to reflect on your own part in any conflict.

Deflectionvs projection

If your attempts to be a team and work through your problems together are always met with hostility, defensiveness, and deflection — you may question if you can continue on like this.

As if that’s not enough, they could also be quick to complain about their circumstance while laying blame unjustly on you.

The more you focus on facts you will avoid unhelpful generalizations. Try to stick to your point rather than going off on a tangent.

We are all capable of deflecting within a relationship from time to time. It’s only fair that you hold yourself up to the same scrutiny.

Open-ended questions might be another way to help lead you toward resolution, rather than get stuck in a dead-end argument.

If your partner has a habit of deflecting, then you may need to clarify your point, have concrete examples to hand, and be very specific about what you are talking about.

To try to stop your partner from feeling attacked when you raise an issue with them, be sure to use “I feel” statements rather than “You do X, Y., Z” type of comments (which feel more accusatory).

Sometimes, people who are feeling vulnerable will resort to using deflection because they don’t want to deal with the truth. They might not want to admit that they’ve done wrong, or that they’re responsible for causing problems.

In essence, deflection is a defense mechanism that people adopt so that they can preserve the image they have of themselves.

How to respond to someone who deflects

They may also tell you that you are being unreasonable by bringing up certain subjects. Or claim that you are oversensitive.

And when one partner relies on the “victim card,” their loved ones can find themselves walking a tightrope. It causes feelings of uncertainty and confusion; it leaves you wondering how to help your partner best while also protecting yourself from the emotional exhaustion that follows.

When you ask open-ended questions, you allow your partner to explain themselves without having to defend themselves first.

When you share your feelings, it can even appear that they don’t seem to care. They just want to hear themselves talk. They may quickly get annoyed at you.

They will only do so when they realize that they made a mistake. But the problem is that this means that they need to acknowledge their wrongdoing first. Then, they need to express remorse. But they never seem to get there.

Whilst that won’t automatically solve things, it can help you to get a better understanding of your partner so you know how to handle things in a constructive way.

People who deflect in a relationship find it very difficult to take responsibility for themselves. They can’t handle the self-reflection that would require.

Signs ofdeflection in a relationship

Perhaps you feel like you are always raising the same problems, but they never take your feedback on board, and so you just keep going around in a circle but never resolve your issues.

It’s something I learned from the world-renowned shaman Rudá Iandê. He taught me that the way to find love and intimacy is not what we have been culturally conditioned to believe.

If they consistently refuse to take responsibility in your relationship, you may decide you have no choice other than to walk away.