In Naomi Wolf’s book Vagina, she explains that each woman’s pelvic nerve branches in unique ways and in different places, which is why some women reach orgasm more easily from clitoral stimulation, say, while others go gaga for G-spot attention. While the A-spot is crucial for me and plenty of others, there will also be many for whom touching this spot does nothing or feels mildly pleasant but not orgasmic. All vaginal configurations are valid and lovely; it’s just good to be aware of as many options for pleasure as possible so you don’t feel “broken” like I did when I thought I’d never be able to come from PIV sex.

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Dr. Chee Ann recommended inserting one finger deeply into the vagina to find the A-spot; I find two fingers target my spot more effectively. Toys can also work wonderfully: They have to be long enough to reach the spot (5 inches or longer, depending on your vagina’s depth), slim enough to slide past the cervix without bumping it, and gently curved upward at the tip, like a come-hither-ing finger.

Then we read about an erogenous zone deep within the vagina called the anterior fornix, which I laughed off as not worth seeking because it seemed too close to my cervix, and I already knew I did not enjoy having my cervix pounded. I didn’t know then just how important this spot would later become to my sex life.

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At the dawn of my first serious relationship with a man, I was kind of sexually ambitious. “I want us to bang on top of a grand piano,” I told my boyfriend excitedly. “I want to make out in an alley while it’s raining, I want to try anal, and edging, and making a sex tape. What do you want to do?”

Though it makes up our culture’s quintessential image of sexual success, orgasm during intercourse had thus far evaded me. Penis-in-vagina sex didn’t provide the direct clitoral stimulation that I (and most other women) need to reach orgasm. Even when I added clit stim into the mix, I found my boyfriend’s penis more of a distraction than an enhancement. I had to actively tune out his thrusting and seriously focus to get anywhere—and even that hadn’t gotten me all the way to orgasm.

While I’d enjoyed G-spot stimulation from toys and fingers on and off for years, the feeling when he hit that deeper spot inside me was totally different. It was unencumbered by the mild “need to pee” sensation that accompanied G-spot play for me. It was a profound, molten-hot, addictive sensation that made me want to yell, “Right there!” and “Don’t stop!” and then melt into a puddle. Where once I had been hesitant or bored during PIV sex, now I was ravenous and engaged. My boyfriend was, unsurprisingly, very pleased by this change.

Though I’m sure women had known about it for millennia, the A-spot was officially “discovered” by Malaysian physician Chua Chee Ann, M.D., in 1997. In a self-funded study, he administered “gentle repeated stroking of the inner half of the anterior vaginal wall” to 271 women and noted how their vaginas responded: 77.5 percent of participants experienced “copious” or “appreciable” vaginal lubrication from this technique, and a surprising 39.1 percent reached orgasm, according to Dr. Chee Ann’s paper.

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The jackpot we had discovered was the aforementioned anterior fornix, also known as the A-spot, anterior fornix erogenous zone (AFE zone), or “deep spot.” Like the G-spot, it’s located on the front wall of the vagina—the one closest to the belly button—but it’s situated a few inches deeper, right in front of the cervix.

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I still sometimes feel weird about asking partners for what I need—“faster,” “harder,” and above all, “deeper!”—but at least now I know what consistently works for me. While it’s sometimes an adjustment for a new beau to learn to please my A-spot when he’s used to focusing on partners’ G-spots, I don’t think they mind my unusual pleasure map at all. Especially once they’ve seen what it does for me.

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I don’t remember the exact moment things shifted for me. I just know that little by little, penetration began to feel good. It seemed to happen most often when my boyfriend was deep inside me, “buried to the hilt,” as flowery erotica stories tend to put it. He must have noticed my enthusiasm because he began penetrating me that way all the time. And then I started orgasming during intercourse. Hell, I started craving intercourse—something that was, for me, unprecedented.

At first, we tried lots of things the Internet told us to do. The awkward, overly complex Coital Alignment Technique. (“If you do this right, expect to feel like you did 1,000 sit-ups the next day,” Tim Ferriss says about this position in his book The 4-Hour Body. “That doesn’t sound like the position for me,” my boyfriend said with a wince.) Cowgirl position, so I could control the exact angle of his penis against my G-spot. (“My hips and knees hurt, and I’m sorry I keep dripping sweat on you,” I wheezed after 30 fruitless minutes.)

The A-spot can, of course, also be stimulated during sex. Though it’s usually located 5 to 6 inches inside, shorter penises can reach it too, if the receiving partner’s knees are pulled up to shorten the vagina. As with G-spot stimulation, the penis should be aimed toward the front wall, but inserted extra deep to access the A-spot. Having never had my own penis, I asked a partner to describe how he sleuths out my deep spot with his. He told me, “It's just a matter of getting my butt closer to the floor so the dick angles up and back.” While this might sound like penile contortionism, it’s not as difficult as it appears.